THEATER ETIQUETTE 101

Note: Picture from Google Images: Feel free to let me know if I need to credit someone for it and I will.

Today I overheard a couple of my coworkers talking about how they hate going movie theaters these days because there are always rude people talking, using their phones or bringing babies with them that cry constantly. 

They are right you know. This goes for movie theaters and live theaters. I'll get to that a little later, but listening to their conversation reminded me of my absolutely worst live theater experience, so I thought I'd share that with you first before we get to the etiquette part. 

This happened three years ago. There's a small theater in Los Angeles where I produced a couple of shows in 2015 and 2016. They were having a script reading festival in 2016 so writers could showcase their work in the hopes their plays would get produced. If you've never been to a live script reading, it's not a fully produced play. No sets, no costumes, no makeup. It's simply a group of actors reading from the script as the characters - usually in what's called a black box setting, which is a plain theater with black walls. I love going to live script readings because you're not distracted by anything and you can visualize in your mind the words that are being read. 

Two people who I really like, "Joe" and "Richard" (not their real names), who were a couple at the time, were in this festival. On Thursday night, there was a reading "Richard" directed, and on Friday night, there was a reading "Joe" was performing in. 

On Thursday night, the audience was seated... waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and waiting. 

Then, I see a guy come in who I'm going to refer to as "shithead" (not his real name, but close enough) with a friend of his. The person in charge of this festival made everybody wait for "shithead" to arrive before starting the reading. Who does that?

I never really cared much for "shithead". He's one of those people who is a master manipulator. Kind of like Paul Prenter was with Freddie Mercury and Sam Lufti was with Britney Spears if you're familiar with those stories. If not, Google them. "Shithead" loves to play people against each other. 

I couldn't stand to be around him because he would hug me, hard, which physically hurt. He doesn't know the meaning of the word "gentle". He did this thing where he would grab my head with both of his giant hands and put his mouth right at my ear and talk, not whisper, but talk in his deep loud Herman Munster voice, which also hurt. He never has anything nice to say about anybody but then kisses the asses of those same people he thinks can benefit him. Plus he complains non-stop and I got sick of hearing it. 

So anyways, the reading I saw that night that "Richard" directed was fantastic. 

The next day, "shithead" texted me. I don't recall giving him my phone number. I don't know if I gave it to him at some point for some reason I can't fathom or if that other person gave it to him. In the text he told me to "show up early for the reading so we can gossip". I had absolutely no intention of doing that. Since the show was scheduled to start at 8:00pm, I showed up at 7:45 like I always do. 

I was still walking up the street to the theater from where I parked when I see "shithead" running towards me. Naturally he had to give me one of those hugs that hurt my back but I got out of it pretty quick. Plus, I don't know what kind of cologne or lotion or whatever he was wearing, but he reeked of a rancid coconut odor that was overwhelming. The first words he said to me were "oh my god, why is "Joe" with "Richard"? Hes's so ugly". I told "shithead" that they were my friends I adore and asked him why he would say something like that to me. "Richard" is not ugly, he's a very handsome man. "Shithead" continued to talk about how gorgeous "Joe" was and I didn't want to hear it. I walked away from him and went to talk to "Richard" for some pleasant conversation. 

When the doors opened, "Richard" and I went in the theater and sat down next to each other in the back top row. A little while later, "shithead" comes in with a glass of wine in each hand, and yells from the bottom "I want to sit next to "Richard""... then proceeds to bound up the stairs towards us. He didn't give me an opportunity, or room, to stand up and move to let him by. He proceeds to climb over me, resulting in him spilling both glasses of wine on the floor and on the seats in front of us. He then yells really loud "god damn it Kerry"... like it was my fault... then he just sits down leaving the wine on the chairs. Since I had done work at that theater before, I knew where they kept paper towels, so I grabbed some and got one wet so I could clean off the chairs just in case anybody needed to sit there. 

The reading started, and "shithead" just wouldn't shut up. Mind you, this is a tiny theater that only seats anywhere between 40 - 50 people at the most. "Shithead" kept grabbing me by the arm, which hurt, and talking, loud, in the side of my head. I kept pulling away from him because I was trying to hear the dialog. He has no concept of talking quietly. He shouldn't have been talking at all. 

About 20 minutes into the reading, "shithead" grabs me by the arm and says "god this play is stupid", loud as usual. "Richard" and I both said, out loud, at the same time, "SHUT UP"... which disturbed everyone in the theater for a moment, but the actors were professional and got right back to it without delay. I felt horrible because the playwright was sitting near us and I know he heard that. Finally, "shithead" quit talking and we were able to enjoy the rest of the first act in silence. 

During intermission, "Richard" and I went outside... I don't know where "shithead" went. "Richard" said he had told "shithead" a few times to stop talking before our outburst. We set all that crap aside and talked about other pleasant things while we had the chance. 

When the lights started to flash to signal intermission was over, "Richard" and I went back inside. I still have no idea where "shithead" was. About 10 minutes into the second act, "shithead" walks in the door, again disturbing everyone in the theater. I saw "Richard" lean down and whisper to him, but I don't know what he said... I never asked. Whatever it was, "shithead" didn't sit with us during the second act, he sat in the front row by himself. Ahhh, peace! 

After the reading was over, I spoke to the playwright to let him know I really enjoyed his play and wished him well in getting it produced. "Shithead" also told him that he really enjoyed it... after previously blurting out that it was stupid... ass kissing as usual. 

I didn't talk to "shithead" again after the reading. "Richard" & I went and found "Joe" and we talked for a while and had a glass of wine before I went home. 

There were a few more times after that where "shithead" and I were at the same places, one ridiculous drama after another and it was beyond tiring. Since then, I have avoided him like the plague. I don't want anything to do with anybody like him. Unfortunately, I've also had to cut ties with people I really care about because of this idiot since he lingers around the majority of people I know, but sometimes that's the sacrifice you have to make to keep that kind of toxicity out of your life. I know other people feel the same way about him, but how they choose to deal with him is their business. To me, he's just not worth it. I don't care who he knows. 

So, that was my worst theater experience. 

Now lets talk about proper theater etiquette. 

The definition of "ETIQUETTE is: the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group. 

The definition of "POLITE is: having or showing behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people. 

There are far too many people out there on this planet who have never been taught the meaning of those words... obviously... so let me share some good common sense things you can do to make yours, and other people's theater experience pleasant.

RULE #1

When you go to the theater, whether it be a movie theater or live theater, be on time. When you come in late, it disturbs the other people. If you  have to come in late, do it quickly and quietly. I know the Arclight theaters here in Southern California won't let you in at all if you show up after the movie started, even if you have pre-paid tickets. If you're late to live theaters, it's common for the ushers to keep you in the lobby until there's a point in the play where you'll be the least disruptive before they let you in. 

RULE #2

No talking. If you really have to talk to somebody while a movie or play is in progress, keep it brief and whisper so you don't disturb other people. If it's a major issue, leave the theater. 

RULE #3

This is a big one. NO CELL PHONES!!! PERIOD!!! 

Theaters are dark for a reason. 

In movie theaters, when a cell phone lights up, it interferes with the movie projection display and disturbs everyone around you. 

In live theater, it needs to be dark so the actors aren't distracted and can concentrate on their performance. When a cell phone rings or lights up, it pulls the actor's attention away from their performance and all of their attention is now on you, and all the people around you, faces all lit up. It destroys the atmosphere they're trying to create and can cause them to forget their lines. If it's a play where something physical is happening, like dancing or fight scenes for example, it can distract the actors enough to where they can get hurt. Not to mention the fact that it disturbs everyone else in the audience trying to enjoy the show. 

It's becoming more and more common for actors to stop their performance to confront people on their phones and they won't continue until that person or persons are ejected from the theater. Just ask Patti Lupone, Laura Benanti, Annaleigh Ashford, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Hugh Jackman, Laurence Fishburne, Benedict Cumberbatch, Daniel Craig, Michael McIntyre, Richard Griffiths, James McAvoy. They stop being nice when people use phones during their performances, and I don't blame them one bit. 

Seriously, if you can't go 2 hours without looking at your phone, there's something terribly wrong with you. If you absolutely must look at your phone every couple of minutes, then don't go to a theater.

Be sure to completely silence your phone and don't put it on vibrate. That vibration sound can still be heard, especially in a live theater.

RULE #4

No heckling. If you don't like a movie or play, either sit there quietly until it's over or leave. A lot of people work very hard on those productions and you never know who is in the audience who will hear you insulting their work. It's rude. If you have to talk about how much you hated it, wait until you're away from the theater so no one associated with the production can hear you. 

RULE #5

Don't bring your babies to the theater. Movie theaters are way too loud for their sensitive ears so they'll definitely cry because of that and you'll likely damage their hearing. If you can't find a babysitter, don't go to a theater. 

Most live theaters won't allow children under 6 so that's not as big of a problem there. Be sure to teach your children how to behave in a theater long before you actually go.  

RULE #6

Always go to the restroom before the show starts to lessen the chance you'll have to go during the show and disturb the people around you. Sometimes you can't avoid it, some people have to go more often than others, but going before usually does the trick. 

RULE #7

Eating food is ok at a movie theater, but it's a definite no-no at a live theater. I have sinus issues which causes me to cough. When I go to the theater, I have a small cloth bag in my purse with un-wrapped cough drops so opening the wrapper won't disturb anyone. You'd be surprised at how far a little sound like that travels in a theater. 

RULE #8

Don't wear big, wide hats to a theater. The people behind you won't be able to see. I get self conscious sometimes because I'm 5'7 and I have extremely thick, long hair so I always ask the person sitting behind me if they can see ok. People always appreciate that. 

RULE #9

Don't fidget. Your constant movement also makes it difficult for the person sitting behind you to see. 

RULE #10

Don't show up to the theater intoxicated. Wait until after the show to do your drinking or whatever else it is you do. 

RULE #11

Don't wear heavy perfume or cologne and be sure to shower sometime the day of the show. Keep your shoes on and don't put your feet on other chairs. Especially in small live theaters, odors can be overwhelming to the audience and actors. 

RULE #12

Unless you're in the back row, your public displays of affection can be distracting... and in some cases nauseating... to the people around you. Try to control yourselves if you can. If you can't, go rent a room. 

RULE #13

Try not to fall asleep. In live theaters, especially if you're in the front couple of rows, the actors can see you if you fall asleep. Plus, if you have a tendency to snore, that will definitely be a distraction to everyone in the theater. I know it's common to see elderly people sleeping through shows, bless their hearts. 

RULE #14

I know these days a whole lot of people have animals with them at all times for emotional support, some need service animals like seeing eye dogs, etc, but there's also a lot of people who just carry their pets with them everywhere they go like any other accessory. Keep in mind that there are people who are allergic to animals. When you go to a theater, you're around a lot of people you don't know and you don't know what conditions they have. In a live theater, if someone tells you they are allergic to your animal, be nice about it and see if the ushers can make other seating arrangements for one of you. If you're in a movie theater, move someplace else. It's not fair to them to have to suffer because you have an animal with you. Service dogs are very well trained and will likely just sit and be silent, but untrained dogs will fidget making their tags jingle and some will bark, and always at the most inappropriate times so don't be surprised if you're asked to leave a theater because of that. 

RULE #15

Don't be mean to the staff working at theaters. It's their job to see that each person who paid money to be there has the best experience possible. If you're confronted by an employee of a theater, that means you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing, so stop it. The employees deserved to be treated with the utmost dignity and respect. If you feel an employee is out of line, respectfully and calmly talk to the manager.

IN CONCLUSION

People pay a lot of money to go to the theater and everyone deserves the best experience for that money. It's very simple to be polite and courteous.